


The Arc of Conflict, Fragment e14e,2: I understand, but I cannot stay

by bzarcher, solarbird



Series: Of Gods and Monsters [85]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Divided Loyalties, Gen, Goddesses, Gods, Identity, Identity Issues, Love of Country is Not Love of Government, Loyalty, Patriotism, Post-Talon, Reconciliation, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Soul-Searching, Talon Lena "Tracer" Oxton, Walkabout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 10:58:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18809689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bzarcher/pseuds/bzarcher, https://archiveofourown.org/users/solarbird/pseuds/solarbird
Summary: Alliances, it has been said, are at their weakest on the brink of defeat, and on the brink of victory. After defeating the China Sea omnium, the gods of Oasis offered their help to Russia, to defeat their own Siberian threat, and Russia accepted that offer -  but made additional secret plans of their own.Aleksandra Zaryanova: Weightlifter. Olympian. Soldier. Hero. Icon. Symbol. Goddess.Russian.Zarya is all of them and more. But as the conflict between Oasis and her country grows, she still struggles to reconcile who she has been, and who she has become. When even the Gods cannot help her find an answer, where can she go?Of Gods and Monsters: The Arc of Conflictis a continuance ofThe Arc of Ascension,The Arc of Creation, andThe Armourer and the Living Weapon. To follow the story as it appears,please subscribe to the series.





	The Arc of Conflict, Fragment e14e,2: I understand, but I cannot stay

**Author's Note:**

> dirtyclaws has launched [a public fan-run _Of Gods and Monsters_ discord server](https://discord.gg/pDZMpVT) and invites everyone to come join it. ^_^

“You’re leaving? _Now?!_ ”

Aleksandra tried not to react to the hurt tone in Lena’s voice as she finished putting her spare pair of boots into her duffle. “Yes.”

Lena seemed to realize she’d gone a bit too far as well, and took a step back, leaning back against the wall. "I thought you'd talked over all that with Ree."

"No," Zarya said. "I understand her point of view. I appreciate it, even. Talking with her helped. But I cannot stay."

"You sure? We could really use your help, luv."

"I know." She shook her head as she turned around so she could face the other goddess properly. “Lena - you are making war against my country. Limited war, perhaps, but still war. I will not fight you... but I will not help you fight my country. I _can't_.”

Lena’s face went through an evolution of several emotions before she settled on stunned skepticism. “Your country dropped a bloody _orbital weapon_ on you. You forget about that?” 

Zarya snorted with dry amusement. “Hardly. But... that was Katya. That was... _government_.” She gestured to the north, towards Moscow, in a dismissive sort of wave. What she felt about Katya Volksaya - and about what she had done - was complex, to say the least. “Governments come and go. _Russia_ does not. The _people_ do not.”

“...well ... fine ... I sort of get that,” Tracer admitted after she gave it some thought. _As long as we don't have to fight her, at least._ "Still - you sure about this? They aren’t likely to welcome you back with open arms."

That got another grunt as Aleksandra hefted the duffle and slung the strap over one broad shoulder before she snugged it to her chest. “I am not going back. Not yet. Perhaps not ever.”

Lena tilted her head with confusion. “You’ve lost me.” 

“I am Russian,” Aleksandra said, thumping her fist over her heart to emphasize her words. “But I am _not_ one of them.” She reached out around the room. “I am... _like_ you. But I am not sure I am _one of you._ ” She saw Lena frown, but held up a hand before she could speak. “I need to find my place in all this.”

To her relief, that seemed to resonate.

“Yeh, when you put it like that... Hana did something a bit like that, too.” Lena looked around the nearly empty room, considering it with fresh eyes. “I think I get it, when you put it that way. Still... what about the UN? I've been talking with Hana, and Sombra says we need your voice."

"You have my deposition. I will testify... if _I_ decide it becomes necessary."

Lena gave her a pointed look, her voice sharp. "That's not the same. Won't have the same impact, and y'know it."

"I do know. And I do not like it myself, I merely know I _must_ do this. I _must_ know where I stand, now. And... Satya will know how to get ahold of me. If not her... others will, as well."

Lena didn't like recognising the best she was going to get, but recognise it, she did, and chewed a little on her lip.

"True 'nough," the teleporter agreed, taking some of the edge off her voice. "But... where y'gonna go?”

“When I figure that out,” Aleksandra admitted with a baleful grin, “I will tell you.”

\-----

Once ready to depart, she found there was one more visit she needed to make.

Two flights of stairs down from her quarters, left down the corridor, a right, and three doors down.

Aleksandra shrugged out of her bag and left it beside the door. After all - who would steal it here? The only ones who could even lift it were her... friends?

_Yes,_ she realized as she hesitated at the door. They _were_ her friends. But she still needed to try to understand herself, by herself. 

She took a deep breath, then knocked before she opened the door. 

Sombra - _Olivia_ \- looked far better than those first terrible moments, but the pallor of her skin and the faint traces of scars made it clear she still had a great deal of recovery ahead of her. 

“Hey,” she greeted her guest with a wave, a slight tremble in her fingertips as she put the tablet she’d been reading on her bedside table. “So you’re going?”

Aleksandra nodded as she pulled one of the guest chairs over. “You are not surprised.”

Sombra shook her head carefully. “Nah. Hana needed some time, too. And I guess you could say I started on the outside, and found my way back. Realized where I could fit.”

“I am not sure I have such place,” she admitted as she let herself slip into her old speech patterns. “I cannot go back to Russia. I am welcome here, I know this, but…”

“It’s not home,” Sombra said, understanding. “And you need to figure out who _Zarya_ is. Not just Alexandra. Not just the Sergeant Major.”

“Yes! Is that exactly,” Aleksandra agreed. “Lena did not understand, at first.” 

“She knows who she is,” Sombra said as she let her head fall back against the small pile of pillows. “Even during... well. _Before._ She knew.” 

That hung in the air for a moment, then Sombra waved her hand to dismiss the topic. 

“So. Where are you going to start?”

Zarya just shrugged. “Not sure. Away from here.”

Sombra’s lips turned up in a grin. “You mind a suggestion?”

\-----

Alejandra grunted as she wrestled a tray laden with fresh _pan dulce_ into the case, then looked up at the sound of the bell over the door.

“Hello,” she called out as she came around to the counter. “What can I get for... ah!” At the sight of the pink haired woman she smiled and switched from Spanish to English. “It’s you! Welcome back!” 

Zarya ducked her head in a nod, and to her surprise when the big woman answered she did so in Spanish as well. _Dorado_ accented Spanish, at that! “Hello. I was not sure you would remember me here.” 

Alejandra grinned as she gestured towards her hair. “You’re pretty hard to forget. And your Spanish is _great!_ Did someone teach you?” 

“Your friend,” Zarya confirmed. “She helped me practice.” 

“Oh! We haven’t seen her around in a while. How is she?” 

"Better," Zarya answered after a moment of thought. "She is doing... better."

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fourteenth instalment of _Of Gods and Monsters: The Arc of Conflict_. To follow the story, [subscribe to the series via this link](https://archiveofourown.org/series/972024), rather than to the individual works.


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